How to Bag A Musketeer
by erinsgirl
Summary: A 'To Do' guide to help the women of Paris bag their very own musketeer! This is an affectionate satire/ parody.


**This is a loving and affectionate satire/ parody on the boys and their love lives. This just jumped into my head one day and I had to write it. No offense meant at all to anyone. In fact it's more complimentary than not I think/ hope. I quite like the various relationships on the show but I couldn't help but notice these boys all have a similar 'type'. No wonder most of the women in their lives get on so well. They have a lot in common.**

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**Hello Ladies (and Gentlemen). For those of you who are in on the local Parisienne gossip and those of you who are not, it must be sadly noted that several of the most eligible men in France are no longer on the market. Yes, recent events have resulted in some musketeers being no longer available. But don't worry ladies there's still plenty of soldiers in the regiment. It's not too late to snag your own hunk in leather with this handy guide.**

**Dos:**

**1.0 Have a Memorable Introduction**

Start as you mean to go on. Make sure that your first meeting with your musketeer is a violent one. A simple, friendly hello is not going to cut it.

This bit is important girls. These men face danger every day. They are highly trained warriors. A good 95% of the people they interact with on a daily basis can kill them, can have them killed, will lead to them nearly being killed or will try to kill them. And they like this life. You need to prove that you can be a part of his world. Threaten to have his '"guts for garters"' or hold him at gunpoint. Joke about slitting his throat after (sort of) kidnapping him or tie him up with ropes. Hit him in the head with a frying pan. Even if you can't physically do so yourself, just ensure he knows you can have him whipped or tortured with a word. (You don't need to actually maim him; he just needs to know that you can kill him painfully if you want to.)

If you can't be the threat, there are alternatives that work almost as well. Ensure he's caught up in a shootout with you, a fellow captive, or even just verbally rip him to shreds in front of his friends. Instant infatuation. Bonus points if he's injured in which case fuss over the injuries no matter how minor.

Don't wait to exchange introductions ladies, as soon as you see that pauldron invoke the danger. In 100% of all successful and long-lasting musketeer relationships the first meeting involved a significant risk to the musketeer-in-question's life and a high possibility of death.

Just make sure this doesn't lead to actual death (at least not his or yours) this does make the actual relationship, if not the romance much more difficult.

**2.0 Be Unavailable **

Don't worry if you've walked down the aisle already, that's like catnip to musketeers. 75% of musketeers admit to having relationships with previously married women. 50% admitted to doing so while the husbands were still alive. In fact ladies, if you're already tied to a man who has no problem considering having at least one of you killed for the affair you're onto a winner in musketeer terms.

Of course, there are a few criteria this unwanted spouse should have:

1\. No love. This marriage should not be a romance story for the ages.

2\. He's a jerk. Seriously it should be clear no woman married him of her own free will. In fact, try to ensure that he is abusive (emotionally, physically or financially), that way no one feels bad for him when you and your musketeer embark on your affair.

While having a spouse can put limitations on your hot-musketeer romance, there are ways around it. Namely have your spouse die from war, one of the many period-related diseases or an accidental clothing-related assassination. (Note: your musketeer can't actually be the one responsible for your spouse's untimely demise as that would be unheroic. He can however threaten to do so.)

For those ladies whose significant other has since passed on, not to worry. Whether happy or not, all you wives and widows need to do is give off an air of sorrow and drop some subtle hints about loneliness and misery and you'll have musketeers endeavouring to be the one to put a smile back on your face.

And what about all you girls that don't want to take a trip up the alter. No problem. If your musketeer is the one previously married, his wife will cause all the unhappiness and imminent murder needed for the relationship.

If you're the kind of woman who isn't keen on marriage, arranged or otherwise, you can go the philosophical option. Hold views that conflict with his job and / or be a suspect in his current case. He's loyal, so representing the exact opposite of his job will definitely get his attention and give a nice external conflict to angst over.

It doesn't matter if it's politically, socially, physically or legally (just not emotionally, you can't have a proper relationship if you're still pining over another man), make sure there's some obstacle impeding your relationship, at least at the beginning.

**3.0 Have A Kid**

Musketeers are hardened, deadly soldiers who are absolute softies and sweeties underneath. Having cute, innocent kids around brings out their protective, fatherly instincts no matter how much they try to hide it. Infants are magnets to these guys especially if they're potential mini-mes.

And they're big on taking responsibility. 50-75% of musketeers surveyed devoted their lives to their offspring and their mothers even leaving and resigning their commissions to settle down and be family men, as if they needed to seem any hotter.

It doesn't even need to be your baby. Be the happy aunt who adores her surrogate royal 'nephews' and 'nieces'. Borrow a friend's son to show off your loving, protective, maternal side, it works just as well. The trick here is to get him thinking about kids – namely yours and his. Once he's convinced you're the mother of his (potential/ future/ adopted/ secret) child(ren), there isn't another woman to compare to you.

**4.0 Make the first move**

These men love a woman with confidence and who speaks her own mind, so don't be shy about letting him know you're interested. It can be as subtle or as clear as you like. Take an interest in his hobbies and ask for some one-on-one lessons. Show up at his work place. Ask him to dinner. Quiz him about his possible girlfriends. Follow him half way around the country. Make a love declaration. Snog him – in public, on the job, in his office, during life-threatening moments when you're both likely to be killed within several hours at best.

Whatever you chose make sure he's in no doubt where you stand.

**5.0 Get on with his friends**

The motto is 'All for One, One for All,' for a reason ladies (and gents). These guys are brothers-in-arms after all. If his friends don't like you, the relationship won't last. (This doesn't necessarily mean they have to approve of your relationship with their fellow musketeer, just that they like you as a person.)

Winning over his friends as well as him, may sound daunting and exhausting but it's worth the effort, ladies. As well as a hot, handsome lover who'll risk his life for you, you'll have an entire team of them at your command.

Note: there is a 25% chance of one of his friends flirting with you. Under no circumstances should you take this as a sign of enacting a love triangle with two musketeers instead of one. Bromance will win over romance every time. Instead you should ignore the flirting, tease said flirter back in a way that shows you neither take it seriously or see him as anything other than a friend or you can verbally or physically display your irritation with his antics without implying you think he's a complete waste of space. He's only trying to get a reaction out of you and/ or your love interest anyway.

**6.0 Be a good person**

It won't matter how beautiful, smart, rich, or badass you are if you sell other people into forced slavery or condemn them to their deaths out of convenience. These boys are heroes who stand up to injustice and misery, and they want someone who does at the very least think random murder is a bad thing.

Engage in social causes, help out in your local community, speak out in support of someone who's been falsely accused. Risk your live for someone else. It can be big or little, just make sure he knows you're a fundamentally good person.

**7.0 Be Honest**

A little white lie like you believe his blatantly false claims of knowing your dead husband or you're 'just friends' is fine. Lying about hiding teenage girls from their families and obstructing a legal search is more grey and really depends on the individual musketeer. Lying about who you are, your criminal past and being a murderer will send him completely over the edge and ordering your hanging. (Note: only about 25% of musketeers go to such extremes but most still hate being deceived maliciously and it will pretty much guarantee the end of the relationship).

This is a two-way street. Don't be afraid to call him out on his lies or BS either. You will need to enforce actual punishment, so he realises how angry you are about it though. Do not be distracted by his puppy dog eyes or charm and good looks!

**8.0 Be Intelligent**

These men are erudite, well-read, cultured badasses who can parlay on politics, philosophy, business, theology, law, art, husbandry, travel, brewing, agriculture, military tactics, literature and a host of other topics as easily as they can with a sword. They don't care how shiny your broach is or how expensive your dress was. Being beautiful alone is not going to cut it. To hold his interest, you need to be able to hold your own in conversation.

Debate with him about politics, legal affairs, social injustice, poetry, carpentry, etc. Just show him you have a brain and can use it, be it politically, socially, academically, medically or purely by being the only one to display common sense on occasion.

**9.0 Be Strong**

Life with a musketeer isn't easy. Their job is literally various ways of potentially dying. Your man will for the most part be in constant danger and likely to die at any moment. There will also be long absences, potential widowhood, single motherhood, limited romantic time, high chance of his friends walking in on you, strangers-in-need being brought home on a semi- regular basis, etc.

You need to be able to deal with these problems, because mental, physical and emotional trauma is pretty much a given. No one expects you not to feel it – in fact dealing with emotional vulnerability (yours or his) will help endear you in your musketeer's affections – but you also need to be able to handle the amount of trauma you suffer and get on with averting whatever local / national/ international crisis is happening at that particular moment. (This will be a regular and on-going occurrence.)

**10.0 Be Brave**

As already mentioned, you're going to find yourself in some dangerous situations. You don't have to be fearless, but you can't break-down into a hysterical helpless mess every time either. Your musketeer will rescue you but until then you need to stay alive. If being held captive, preferably be as difficult a hostage as possible. Make numerous escape attempts, coerce, sway or trick others to your side. Buy time. If they try to intimidate or manipulate you, shut them down as hard, and as verbally and physically vicious as possible. Be prepared to face death with dignity if necessary (this is a potential outcome but rare in most cases).

If you're not being held separately from your musketeer, be as helpful as you can. Fetch things, volunteer as bait, spy or distraction, cook or gear up into battle with him. Whatever it is face your fears, and you and your musketeer will be a power couple in no time.

**11.0 Get Dangerous**

Who doesn't love a violent girlfriend who can hold her own. These men certainly do – ask Aramis. In about 80% of serious or long-term musketeer relationships polled, the women were all well-trained in defending themselves. It makes sense, getting involved with a musketeer is dangerous, they need to know you can protect yourself when they aren't around to do so. If you don't already know how to fight or use a weapon, follow Constance's lead and ask for some hands-on lessons.

Don't let your lack of physical prowess or athletic ability get you down. Anne is as gentle as they come. Didn't stop Rochefort losing an eye. It doesn't matter if you aspire to be Xena or a sweetheart. Whether traditional weapons or getting creative with your accessories, you don't need to actively take part in every fight, you just need to show you won't go down easy. He'll be planning that declaration of love in no time.

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**I posted this way too late to properly edit so apologies for any really awkward bits. But I hope you enjoyed it.**


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